I can't count the number of times that I've went to bed with the weight of mom guilt on my shoulders. If I tried to add up all the times I've had mom guilt at bedtime I'm sure my calculator would burst into flames. Super dramatic, especially since I don't have a calculator - but you get where I'm going with this. It happens a lot and way more often than I'd like it too. For me, mom guilt at bedtime is thee absolute worst because now the kids are asleep and I can't redeem myself - or should I say I cannot redeem the time that I feel I've missed with them. My only option is to try again the next day but unfortunately and more often then not, it's usually more of the same.
The truth is, when I'm staring into their bedroom doorway at 11:00 pm, watching them sleep like the weird mom that I am, I miss them. I can't help but to think that I should have laughed more, played more, talked more, and asked more questions. You know, I could have been more present. And now they are asleep.
Do they know I love them?
Was I kind today?
Am I doing this right?
I sure hope they don't remember me in all my sleep deprived craze. These are the thoughts that swirl through my mind.
Here comes the guilt. The thought of not living up to my own expectation for what kind of mom I want to be. The relentlessly patient and loving mom that's firm and gentle.
Moms juggle parenthood and adulthood like spaghetti. I don't know if that makes any sense but I'm really hungry while typing this and visually I can see that juggling spaghetti is really hard. So let's go with it. Yeah. It's like we don't get enough time to be the mom we want to be. Only the mom that our schedules allow us to be. We're tired. We're cranky. We are not our best selves. But we keep going because there is laundry, dinner, chores and every other mental note we have swirling through our heads. Even with the help of a spouse and family it still just seems, impossible. Oh the guilt.
I wish I didn't scream at them before bedtime.
I wish I could have made a healthier dinner.
I wish I read that bedtime story they asked me to read.
I wish I weren't on my phone so much today.
I wish I were more present.
Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner. I said that I was weird - didn't I?
Video for reference if you're a little weird too and not old enough to know the reference.